Hey, beautiful girl!
I’m so pumped about this brand-new video series. Watch this video to learn why.
Christ or Crush: (Welcome!) was originally posted on LiesYoungWomenBelieve.com.
Hey, beautiful girl!
I’m so pumped about this brand-new video series. Watch this video to learn why.
Christ or Crush: (Welcome!) was originally posted on LiesYoungWomenBelieve.com.
I asked a few guy friends this week:
What would pursuit of a girl look like for you personally? I ask ’cause a teen girl recently told me her fave quote is:
“The next time a boy pursues you, he better do it like a dying man looking for water in a desert. When it’s the right guy, you’ll know, because he’ll cherish you.”
Might be me, but I just don’t think that first sentence is realistic, and I don’t think it’s gonna necessarily be that obvious. Am I wrong? Please help a girl (scratch that—lots of girls) out.
Here’s what they had to say:
Trevor J: “That’s over the top. I want Christ to be my top priority and then if He brings along a girl, then that’s good. I certainly want to cherish her but not like a dying man. For me personally, pursing a girl looks more like becoming good friends with her first, and when the time is right, with permission from her parents, taking that relationship/friendship deeper.”
Trevor M: “As the other Trevor said, I think that picture of pursuing a girl is a bit over the top. The picture in Jeremiah 2:13 of forsaking the fountain of living waters (God) for broken, dusty cisterns (anything that is not God) comes to mind. My thirst needs to first be satisfied by God and then by a wife (Pr. 5:15–23).
“For me, pursuing a girl looks like befriending her, seeing what her trajectory in life is like, speaking clearly about exploring the possibility of marriage, and then moving forward from there, certainly keeping her parents in the loop all the while.”
Mat: “Haha yeah, I’d say that statement is a little extreme. The start of pursuing a girl for me is more about getting to know a girl and seeing if there is even any mutual interest. Extreme desperation is probably not the best place to start.”
Now, I will say God does challenge men (specifically husbands) to cherish their wives, to follow Christ’s example and lay their lives down for her in the daily grind of everyday life:
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her . . .
In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church (Eph. 5:25, 28–30).
But expecting a guy to leap from admiring you from a distance to pursuing you with the zeal of a dying man looking for water in a desert seems unrealistic and unhelpful (and quite possibly unhealthy) to me.
How about you? What do you think?
Fact is, there is a man who pursued you all the way to death, the God-Man Jesus. He didn’t do this out of desperation for your love, (Acts 17:25 tells us He doesn’t need anything!) but out of obedience to His Father and out of pure, selfless, sacrificial love that was looking out for your best interests:
God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).
How have you responded to His pursuit of you? With an a) “I’m not interested, thank you very much,” or with a b) “I can’t fathom how you would love me, but YES, I give all of myself to You!”
“Should a Guy Pursue a Girl Like a Dying Man Looking for Water in a Desert?” was originally posted on LiesYoungWomenBelieve.com.
You loved “What Christian Guys Think of Flirting” so much I thought I’d poll my guy friends on another girly topic: makeup. (You might be surprised by their take on the subject!)
“I don’t have a problem with makeup, but I think it should be used tastefully. Light makeup is usually the best.”
“No makeup: totally ok.
Some makeup: totally ok (personal preference).
Tons of makeup: tacky.
“Girls shouldn’t approach makeup with the thought of trying to add something to their physical appearance for the sole purpose of being more physically attractive.
“The greater focus when it comes to thinking about physical appearance and attractiveness should not be on the external, but on the internal and spiritual (1 Pet. 3:1-5). That said, I think it is totally possible for a girl to wear makeup while not unduly craving a more attractive physical appearance.”
“I’ve known many girls who have become super self-obsessed when it comes to makeup. At that point, they’re not really doing it to bless others but probably more from pride or fear.
“I like it when girls wear makeup. I think it shows they take care of themselves. It can be over the top, though, and when it gets too excessive it’s more of a turn-off for me.
“Honestly, and maybe surprisingly, I don’t really think makeup is a big issue. However, I think makeup use can reveal heart issues very easily, and so we can tend to call makeup the problem, instead of addressing the deeper issues like:
1) Someone always has to feel like they ‘look good,’ or they stress out.
2) They talk a lot about how they look bad when they don’t have time to put makeup on.
3) One of their main concerns is how they and others look, not who they are, and much of their conversation revolves around those two things.
“When I see these things—along with a lot of makeup—the girl is usually dealing with a lot of insecurity. I will usually not spend much time with these girls, because of the chance that they will try to find security in me.
“If their makeup use shows that they are not content with the way that God made them, I believe that they don’t really know that God loves them for who they are. Therefore, they won’t believe that other people love them for who they are.
“Makeup, done for the right purpose, looks great! However, makeup will never cover up insecurity or bad character. I wish girls knew how attractive God made them to be to us! Godly girls are beautiful inside and out! So . . . trust that God and others will love you for who you are and not how you look. And then use however much makeup you want to.
“The root issue is where we (guys included) are finding our identity and worth. If we are finding these in our appearance or in our acceptance by the opposite gender rather than in Christ, we cannot manage our appearances correctly. (Snap! I just preached a sermon to myself.)
“If the heart is in the right place, makeup is more of a preference thing. Some girls look awesome without makeup. Some look awesome with it. Personally, I think a lot of girls overdo it; I tend to think simpler is better. But that’s just my personal preference.”
“Inward beauty is much more important than outward beauty (1 Pet. 3:4). That being said, I like it when girls take care of themselves. I like it when girls use makeup to enhance their natural beauty. In my opinion, if a girl does her makeup right, I shouldn’t notice it. The makeup won’t be distracting. Ultimately, it’s not about the makeup. It’s about your heart. If your focus is first on pleasing Jesus, and then you want to wear makeup, then great, go wear makeup.”
I hope you found their thoughts helpful! I’m curious: are you a no-makeup, some makeup, or tons of makeup kind of girl? What makeup are you sure to apply before you leave the house?
Last week on the blog I shared what Christian guys think about flirting. After reading that, I anticipate a lot of you wondering, Yeah, but if I don’t flirt, how’s a guy ever gonna notice me? So I asked the same guys to answer that question for you in advance.
The way you act now as a single is how you’ll act as a married woman. You don’t need to “dangle.”
For starters, here’s a comment a married man happened to leave on the blog this past week:
To my single sisters, the way you act now as a single is how you’ll act as a married woman. You don’t need to “dangle.” My wife attracted me with her conduct and her heart. —”Book314″
And from the single guys:
A girl can show she’s interested just by responding with interest when I talk to her or by being casually, but clearly, open to do something with me—even if I just invite her to do something in a group.
I’ve learned that most girls naturally show they’re not interested just by not showing interest when any opportunity, no matter how small, arises for us to get to know each other more. If she’s interested, I’ll usually see a smile when I ask her to hang out with other people, or she’ll love spending time talking to me whenever we’re in the same place (or at least not seem like she just wants the conversation to end). Those two things are huge.
She could just be friendly and feel like I’m a safe guy, but her interest shows she’s open to me as a person. It allows me to initiate further to see how interested she is. —Justin
From a guy’s perspective, a girl speaks more through nonverbal than verbal: the way she dresses (modesty), carries herself, and interacts with people speaks much of her character. It is those qualities that “attract” or pique interest in a guy that is seeking a God-loving woman. —Tony
It’s a good thing to be friendly and kind instead of far off and distant. Some girls can have it so strongly in their minds not to be a flirt that they end up overcompensating and coming off as cold and uninviting to guys.
If a girl doesn’t act like she even wants to be around me, then I usually take that as a strong indication that she is not someone I should ask out on a date. On the flip side, when a girl is obviously being flirtatious and trying to gain attention, it tends to turn me off. I want to date someone who is grounded in Christ and not looking for their affirmation in a relationship. —Trevor
If a girl is interested in connecting, but I haven’t initiated conversation yet, I usually know she’s at least interested in learning more about me if she doesn’t immediately look away when we meet eyes—even if it’s just for an extra half second. I appreciate little signals like that that are obvious but would go unnoticed to someone else in the room. Otherwise, just trying to initiate out of thin air is difficult because, as strong as us guys can be, we’d like to limit the amount of rejection we get, if possible. —Justin
I wish I could tell this to every girl I meet: In 1 Peter 3, Peter talks about the beauty of a quiet and gentle spirit. This is not the beauty of a quiet and gentle personality! Many girls seem to get hung up on this and try to be sedate and not talk and end up being miserable.
When a girl knows who God is—I mean really knows, not just talks about Him—she will have a peaceful spirit. She knows God will see her through and she trusts Him, so she is not going to “give way to fear” (1 Pet. 3:6). Therefore, she is not clingy to guys. She looks to God to satisfy her first and knows a man never fully will.
This is beautiful and incredibly attractive to mature Christian guys! It is hard, because you cannot see what God has in store for you, but God does not need your help (a.k.a. flirting) to bring the right guy along. —Andrew
Great stuff, huh? Now you’re probably wondering, What now? What do I need to change?
I can’t answer that for you since I don’t know you personally, but here are a few questions for you to think through or ask someone who sees you interact with guys:
“But How Will He Notice Me If I Don’t Flirt?” was originally posted on LiesYoungWomenBelieve.com
If you’re like me, you want to “crack the code.” What do guys—particularly Christian guys—think of flirting? I asked some godly guys I know, and here’s what they had to say. (Something I learned from their input: it doesn’t take much to get their attention!)
Interest in flirts is fleeting. Attention for girls who don’t flirt starts slow but lasts. Even flirting guys respect girls who don’t.
Love and pursue Jesus as your number one priority, and guys who want a godly wife will notice. But that’s not really a good reason to pursue Jesus . . . it’s just a side benefit. —Ben
Don’t be afraid to be friendly to a guy you may be interested in. Nothing wrong with making conversation and being cordial. Don’t get carried away, and don’t over-think everything. —Mat
Interest in flirts is fleeting. Attention for girls who don’t flirt starts slow but lasts. Even flirting guys respect girls who don’t. —Sudhir
Flirting is usually helpful within the context of an already-established relationship. However, I don’t mean that flirting is all the relationship is made of. When I see a “relationship” that consists of nothing but bantering back and forth, trading sarcastic comments, pretending to overreact to something the other person said, and alternating between clinging to each other and pretending to be mad, I know it is not a good relationship. You need a foundation of honesty to build a good relationship on, and flirting is almost all pretending. —Andrew
If I am flirting and then not pursuing her, I am playing with her heart. Shame on me. Unfortunately, I do this sometimes without meaning to. —Matt
- It can make you act differently than your real personality, until you don’t know how to be real anymore.
- It will attract guys to someone who isn’t real.
- It can be a waste of time.
- It makes you look shallow/desperate.
- It is self-focused, rather then Christ or others-focused.
- You don’t really learn to communicate.
Ugh! It’s fine to have fun with guys, but don’t lead them on. Don’t use guys to get a need in your heart satisfied. Be satisfied in Christ fully, and then have a great time with the guys. —Matt
I am torn. I so love the attention, but I know it’s superficial. I know at the end of the day I am not really cared for; I am possibly being used to have her needs met. —Matt
Personally, I don’t always notice flirting unless it’s really obvious. At that point I would say it’s not very attractive. —Justin
- First, I like it! A lot! God has created a desire for emotional closeness with others of the opposite gender, and it is fun! However, God has created us to enjoy the opposite gender within the context of marriage, and I want to be careful to not arouse those feelings too soon.
- Second, it causes me to be wary. I don’t want a girl to get emotionally attached to me, and flirting is usually a sign that she is emotionally needy. I will almost always pull away more, because I want to be friends with girls that know to run to God and not guys.
- Third, I want honest, meaningful, and fun conversation. Flirty conversation is rarely honest or meaningful, even though it can be fun. If a girl seems to only be able to relate to me in a flirty way, I don’t really see any point to it. It is certainly not going to keep me around her as much as a good conversation would.
Yes, I have. I try not to. It’s fun to stir up the emotions of a girl and fun to get my emotions stirred up . . . but in the end it doesn’t help anything. I like the attention, and she does, too. Where is the line between having fun and goofing off with someone of the opposite sex and flirting? I don’t know. I love to have fun, and I love to have fun in the company of girls. —Matt
Flirting has been a confusing thing to me . . . and something I tend to enjoy more than I would like to admit. —Micah
I struggle with flirting. Flirting is so easy to do, especially when you want someone you like to notice you. But at the same time it often has a self-seeking reward. I want her to notice me, so I flirt with her. We need to be careful that we are treating people in a respectful and God-honoring way. Flirting should not be the basis for love—it is a risky thing to place your hopes in. —Brad
I want honest, meaningful, and fun conversation. Flirty conversation is rarely honest or meaningful, even though it can be fun. If a girl seems to only be able to relate to me in a flirty way, I don’t really see any point to it.
First and foremost, a guy can’t meet your needs. Only Jesus can. Love Him with all of your heart. —Matt
That if she wants real, honest, mature friends, she needs to be a real, honest, and mature friend. I would tell her that flirting is not a good basis for a friendship, and certainly not a relationship, and even when it can be added, it should be added in small amounts. —Andrew
Don’t. Enjoy their company, but don’t seek to get your needs met through them. Let them pursue you. Respond to their attention, but don’t give your heart away. —Matt
Usually it causes me to stay away from them. I want real relationships in my life, and it is hard to get past the pretending stage of a flirt. I also don’t want to be distracted; it is very alluring to have a girl focus on me, even if I know it isn’t real, and I like it. I don’t want to use her to satisfy my desire to get attention.
When your friendship consists of nothing but flirting, you end up in a relationship based on neediness. This is not solid ground for a friendship or a relationship. This is not a healthy way to relate to others. The purpose of a godly relationship is to glorify God and point others to Him! —Andrew
How do these guys’ thoughts change your outlook on flirting? Do you still feel like you need to flirt in order to get guys’ attention?
(If so, come back next week for “But If I Don’t Flirt, How Will He Ever Notice Me?”)
PS: Now that you’ve heard what Christian guys have to say about flirting, check out what God had to say to some real flirts in this post by Erin Davis.
“What Christian Guys Think of Flirting” was originally posted on LiesYoungWomenBelieve.com
You’ve asked about flirting. And asked. And asked.
I’ve pretended not to notice. Not because I don’t care, but ’cause:
But it’s an important question. You want to know, and I want to know. Is flirting harmless—could it even be chivalrous—or is flirting . . . plain ‘ole wrong? There are a whole lot of different opinions out there.
Let’s face it. Flirting comes naturally (please tell me I’m not the only one!). And flirting is fun—especially when it’s returned.
Well, I should clarify. It’s fun in the moment. Afterward, it’s usually plain ‘ole depressing ’cause (let’s be honest) we did it to get a certain result and then . . . nothing. Nothing really changes.
And let’s be honest: Just because something’s “fun” and “natural” doesn’t mean it’s best. I mean, when you were little it was “fun” and “natural” to:
But that didn’t make it right.
So today I’m taking the plunge. I’m going to get a conversation rolling about . . . flirting.
First, let’s make sure we’re on the same page when we throw around the word “flirting.” For the sake of this discussion, we’ll go with the Dictionary.com definition. Flirting is to:
Ouch. Sounds a lot like, It’s all about me, doesn’t it?
As fun and “natural” as flirting is, it’s also contradictory to who I now am in Christ.
Funny, though, how we can convince ourselves we’re actually building that guy up with our smiles, words, and playfulness. We can almost think our flirting is . . . chivalrous.
But based on this definition, here’s one conclusion I’ve reached about flirting:
Huh? Come again, you ask?
Okay, let me break it down for you.
Chivalrous means “considerate and courteous.”
But based on Dictionary.com’s definition, flirting isn’t considerate of the other person; it’s completely self-centered. (If you’re not sure about that, read through the definitions again, and ask if you’d want a guy to treat you like that!)
That’s why “chivalrous flirting” is an oxymoron—it’s completely contradictory. And as fun and “natural” as flirting is, I’d have to say it’s also contradictory to who I now am in Christ. Why do I say that? Philippians 2:3–5, for starters:
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus.
The next time you catch yourself flirting, I dare you to ask yourself why.
I asked a few people why we flirt. Here’s what three people had to say:
Panic that no one will pay attention causes the urge to flirt.
While we flirt, someone is positively responding to us and accepting us, so we’re encouraged to continue.
I think part of it is the thrill of the chase. Flirting is not just to get a person, but to get a reaction. Sometimes girls flirt even with a guy they don’t really want.
How about you? Why do you tend to flirt? When you dig deeper, what’s really going on in your heart?
Hang in there—we’re just getting started! Come back next week for what Christian guys think about flirting.
“Chivalrous Flirting: An Oxymoron” was originally posted on LiesYoungWomenBelieve.com.
Whether you caught The Hunger Games opening weekend (and contributed to making it the biggest November opening ever!), or whether you have no idea who Peeta and Katniss are, I’m guessing you can relate to this girl’s bottom-line question:
I finished The Hunger Games series, and I am so envying Katniss. I mean, I know they are just fictional characters, but seriously! Peeta loves her so much and so unconditionally. This guy is SO perfect. I know I have God and all, but is there gonna be a guy that really loves me THAT much??
Will I ever be loved like that? Even if I’ve never asked that question out loud, it’s been the silent question behind the tears filling my eyes after dropping yet another novel into the library dropbox or watching the credits roll by after yet another chick flick. Could that ever happen to me?
But as the books and movies have been released and the tears have fallen and the years have passed, I’ve come to believe that even if . . .
Even if Peeta actually existed in real life . . .
And even if I were his “Katniss,” the woman he lived and breathed for . . .
It wouldn’t be enough. Not for long.
That’s because the hole in my heart—and the hole in your heart—isn’t Peeta-shaped. Or Gale-shaped (Katniss’ other love interest).
You weren’t made to be adored but to adore.
You weren’t made to be worshiped but to worship.
You were made for more. You were made for God.
A God so big the waters of the earth fit into the palm of His hand. A God of nearly 500 billion galaxies. A God who has no weaknesses, who never trips or falls or needs you to rescue Him (like Peeta). A God who not only talks about dying for you (like Peeta), but a God who actually sacrificed His life for you.
So you—a poor nobody from the dark, outer district—could enter into the closest relationship you have ever known with the kindest, most powerful King who has always been. So there could be no distance or discord or disconnectedness between you and Him.
How do I know?
Because God thought up marriage—the most committed love relationship we can experience as humans—to give us just a taste, a tiny taste, of the oneness we can and will know with Him, through faith in Jesus Christ:
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her . . . In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church. . . . This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it [marriage] refers to Christ and the church (Eph. 5:25–32).
You are loved. So much more and so much better than Peeta loves Katniss. You are loved by this God who makes Peeta look . . . well, puny.
Dream bigger. You were made for so much more!
“Will I Ever Be Loved Like Peeta Loves Katniss?” was originally posted on LiesYoungWomenBelieve.com.
In second grade, I got the most hideous glasses. They covered half my face and were about as thick as two Krispy Kreme donuts. I longed to lose them, but I was blind as a bat without them . . .
Catch a glimpse of these glasses—and hear more about my hunt for beauty—in this short video.
“My Ugly Glasses And Your Hunt For Beauty” was originally posted on LiesYoungWomenBelieve.com.
The day before Confessions of a Boy-Crazy Girl: On Her Journey from Neediness to Freedom was released, I received the following email from a mom looking for some help:
I have three girls ages seven, five, and two. And now I’m watching my nine-year-old niece who is crazy boy crazy. Like she couldn’t make a choice of paper color until “boy A” chose his . . . when she was in preschool!
I really want to be able to help so she can not be distracted by the cute boys or men she’s around. Do you have any advice? How can I help them think? How can I help them act? If it is a personal weakness, are there habits to instill that will help? Activities, shows, books to avoid? Anything you can think of would be appreciated. I will be reading your book and trying to see how to apply your wisdom to this job. Thanks and look forward to the read!
With fear and trembling—since when does a single girl know how to parent?!—I responded to her email. With her permission, I’d like to share our email exchange with you, as I’m quite certain she’s not the only mom out there wondering about this:
I love your heart for your girls (and your sister’s girl). God, would You please flood [her] with Your wisdom?
Truth be told, I’ve never been married or parented, so I feel rather unqualified to answer your questions. However, I can tell you this. Boy craziness is really just girl neediness. Boys will never ultimately fill the ache your girls feel inside for love. They were made by and for God, and nothing less will do.
While watching what they intake from culture will definitely help, their greatest need still remains repenting of their sin and falling in love with Jesus. I wish I’d been taught the truths found in Romans 6 when I was a young girl: that in Christ I am now dead to sin, alive to God, and in Christ Jesus.
I’d really encourage you to keep the lines of communication open with your girls. Don’t be satisfied with outward behavior modification; focus on what’s going on in their hearts. You may want to pick up Elyse Fitzpatrick’s Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus. I haven’t read it yet, but I love everything by Elyse and hope to purchase it this month.
Other resources I’d recommend: The Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd-Jones. Every page/story points to Jesus—it’s one of my favorite books ever.
Also, Josh McDowell and his wife have written Straight Talk with Your Kids About Sex about how and when to talk to your kids about sex. You’d be surprised by what they recommend.
Better than books, though, I’d encourage you to reach out to older women in your church for wisdom and mentoring. There is no overnight fix; just daily life-on-life as the girls grow and are constantly being taught in the teachable moments the Lord gives.
I breathed a sigh of relief, grateful to be done dishing out parenting advice. But not for long! Shortly after I pushed send, Rebecca Ingram Powell asked to interview me for Lifeway’s ParentLife magazine. That’s right—a publication for parents of zero to twelve year olds!
Praying all the way, I thought more about parenting boy-crazy girls. And as I did, I began to wish I’d told this mom one main thing.
See, in my experience, kids pick up not so much what parents say but how they live. Kids are smart—they see through the veneer of what adults claim—and hope—to love to what truly captures their parents’ hearts.
Turns out the solution boy-crazy girls most need is the very thing moms of boy-crazy girls need. Both need to taste and see just how crazy good God really is. Both need to repent of the “little g” gods they worship and love the “big G” God with all their hearts.
Isn’t that how Moses instructed parents in Deuteronomy 6, after all? Just before he tells parents to teach God’s law diligently to their kids when they sit down, when they take walks, when they lie down, and when they get up, he says this:
You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. (And then) You shall teach them diligently to your children . . .
If Christ is your treasure, mom, your life will light the way for your boy-crazy daughter. Because there really is only one way out of boy-craziness, and that is finding Someone to love even more than boys.
If you’ll share this post with another mom and leave a comment below letting me know you did, you might win a copy of Confessions of a Boy-Crazy Girl. I’ll draw two winners at random on Friday, October 4.
“Please Help Me Parent This Boy-Crazy Girl of Mine!” was originally posted on TrueWoman.com.