“Are you drawn to other men after marriage? Does your heart still wander toward them?” Several of you have asked me variations of this question since writing Confessions of a Boy-Crazy Girl, so I thought I’d answer publicly.
Attraction to other men is no longer the norm in my life; I aborted my desperate search for love when Trevor slipped a ring on my finger. Over the past five years, I’ve settled down—and into—Trevor’s love. I don’t jump to attention when a guy walks into the room like I did during my single days. I no longer survey the landscape to see who’s available, because I know I’m loved. Taken.
However, every once in a while I’m surprised by it: attraction that swoops in out of nowhere like a sudden rainstorm on a bright, sunny day. I’d be lying if I said my heart has never been drawn to another man since I married.
Is It Wrong to Be Drawn to Other Men After Marriage?
I’m pretty sure the same will prove true for you. If God gave you eyes, you’ll likely notice someone else who looks good or exhibits great kindness or [fill in the blank]. Scripture doesn’t condemn noticing, but coveting and lusting.
You can (and should) expect temptation from time to time. But know this: There’s a huge difference between temptation and sin. Even Jesus was tempted, but He never sinned:
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin (Hebrews 4:15).
As a married woman, I still ask God to satisfy me with His love (Ps. 90:14) and to help my eyes look straight ahead (Prov. 4:25)–two habits I developed as a single. But at the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter if I’m surprised by attraction because I’m simply (and happily) off the market, and so is every other man in my eyes.
You, too, can always take the way of escape rather than starting down that slippery road:
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it (1 Corinthians 10:13).
Marriage Isn’t a Magic Pill That Cures Boy-Craziness
Why do I share this with you? To give you a heads-up: Marriage isn’t a magic pill you can pop to remedy your needy heart. Only God’s love can do that. Don’t count on marriage to cure you of your boy-craziness, your porn addiction, your loneliness, or any other idol in your life.
Marriage is simply a covenant commitment for life to another sinner. And no fellow, fallen human can possibly save you.
I’d love to hear from you. If you’re single, what are your expectations for attraction to others after marriage? What game plan can you begin to implement now so you’re not taken off guard then? And if you are married, how have you brought remnants of your boy-craziness into marriage? I always love to hear from you.
A Brand-New Podcast Conversation About My Boy-Crazy Journey
I love this conversation I recently had with Bethany Beal on The Girl Defined Show; I think you will too. In it, I talk about the different faces of my boy-craziness, what hope I offer others in Confessions of a Boy-Crazy Girl, how Trevor and I met as a result of my book, and even a word to married women. It’s so fun. 🎧 Listen on Apple Podcast, Google Podcasts, Spotify, or where you catch your podcasts.
Also, if you’re new to my site, you can:
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- Order Confessions of a Boy-Crazy Girl here.
- Download a free leader’s guide to Confessions here.
Paula (Hendricks) Marsteller is a compassionate Christian communicator.