A Call to Careful Matchmaking in the Church

A Call to Careful Matchmaking in the Church

I’ll always consider successfully matchmaking two couples at one dinner party one of my greatest achievements. (Trevor jokes my head won’t fit through the door now because it’s so big.) Seriously, though, what a gift to be used by God to help a couple of Christian couples find and get to know each other.

One Dinner Party and Two Weddings Later

The dinner party setup and subsequent party one week later allowed Jordan and Ethan to get to know Amanda and Gabby—at least enough to know they wanted to pursue them further. What a fun summer that was: Trevor stood up in both weddings just two weeks apart. 

I want you to experience our same joy. More than that, I believe your prayerful, careful matchmaking is desperately needed in the church. 

As a woman who longed to be married years for years (it finally happened for me at the age of 32), this need is dear to my heart. Finding a suitable spouse seems impossible these days. Where can you meet him or her if not in a bar or on an online app? (Not that this doesn’t happen; Trevor and I met online—on Twitter.)

But surely we can do better for those in the church. That’s where you come in. But first, one important disclaimer.

Meet Ethan and Gabby Fordham, one of the lovely couples we matched at that dinner party.

Beware of Unwelcome Matchmaking in the Church

Please: Only offer your matchmaking services to those you know are open to marriage and who would welcome your help. If you’re not sure, ask. One single man told me,

“I went through a period of time where I had resolved not to date as I was too busy and working on sins and struggles in my life. But every other week people from church would pull me aside and suggest I date someone they knew. There were lots of uncomfortable conversations.”

Similarly, a mom of a single woman told me,

“My daughter’s biggest frustration is the need to fix her up with the one other single in her congregation.”

Let me be clear: Singleness isn’t a disease; it’s a gift.

At the same time, marriage is a gift as well. And if it’s a gift your single friend longs for, here’s how you can help.

Tips for Matchmaking In the Church

  1. Examine your motives. Don’t try your hand at matchmaking ’cause you could use a little romance in your life or because you want a good story to tell; matchmake so one more couple can showcase the beauty of the gospel to a watching world (Eph. 5:22-33).
  2. Listen well. Do you know what your friend wants in a spouse? Ask lots of questions. Not just any Christian will do. What sort of person does he or she need to complement them?
  3. Pray for wisdom. Proverbs 16:9 says, “The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” Ask God for wisdom; pray that He will establish your steps; ask Him for success.
  4. Brainstorm together. Talk through the people you both know—even married people—to identify the qualities they appreciate. Then begin to brainstorm singles you know who might fit the bill. Let your single friend provide input on whether they’re interested or not. 
  5. Open your home. Determine how to do it in the most natural, non-awkward way. In our case, I sent Amanda and Gaby a Facebook message inviting them for dinner and mentioning we were “having a couple other friends over” as well. 
  6. Open your home again. Continue to open your home so your single friends have other opportunities to hang out and get to know each other. We followed the dinner party up with another party one week later—with more people at that party. (Yes, this happened pre-Covid.) 
  7. Don’t overlook older singles. Just this week I received an email from someone in their late sixties asking, “How do older singles find spouses?” Ideally, this same way—in community, with the help of the church. Don’t overlook those who may have never married but always longed to. 

Do you have anything to add? Have you tried your hand at matchmaking? What do you think contributed to your success or failure in that area?

Meet Jordan and Amanda Policastro, the other dynamic duo we matched at that dinner party.

If you liked this article, I think you’ll appreciate “How NOT to Hurt the Singles In Your Church.”